Secrets and Lies
The actual act of being pregnant didn't bother me too much. Sure, it wasn't fun being a planet those last few weeks, but all in all, I was lucky. What irked me the most were the lies that are perpetuated in pregnancy literature and what they don't tell you.
How not to be pregnant:
1. "Eat anything you want!" This seems irresponsible to put in a book that purports to contain medical information. One book actually said since you can't have alcohol, go ahead and have that extra appetizer or dessert. You deserve it! Why does this make any sense? You wouldn't do this ordinarily, so why tempt fate when you're already going to weigh more than you have your whole life. Also, no amount of ice cream or cheesecake can replace a good dirty martini. I know. I've tried.
2. "You'll forget all about it once the baby is born". There is no way that I am ever going to forget throwing up in the middle of pushing or 36 hours of labor. No freaking way.
3. "Maternity clothes are cuter than my own clothes". This one made me throw the "Pregnancy" magazine across the room, cursing vehemently. Who was this woman and where the fuck does she shop?
Stuff they don't tell you
1. What really happens in labor. I suppose that there are so many things that could happen, they'd scare the hell out of anyone contemplating having a baby and the birth rate would plummet. A sampling of what can happen: copious vomitting, fevers, extreme and uncontrollable shuddering, neck spasms, detached cervixes.
2. Get it over with. As soon as humanly possible. I had to be induced because Aidan was past due. If you are in this situation (and I've been told this holds true for labor that comes on naturally) use any means possible to get it over with. All of the classes talk about working through your labor. Why not just get to the good part and push that baby out?
3. What 'uncomfortable' really means. Towards the end of a pregnancy, you are so huge that normal everyday things like going to the bathroom and sleeping become problem solving exercises. Uncomfortable really means that everything becomes a pain in the ass from trying to put on shoes (forget tying shoelaces after the 7th month), getting in and out of a clawfoot tub and even getting close enough to the kitchen counter to chop food. This is why you resort to crying. It's the only thing that isn't hindered by your ginormous belly.
The actual act of being pregnant didn't bother me too much. Sure, it wasn't fun being a planet those last few weeks, but all in all, I was lucky. What irked me the most were the lies that are perpetuated in pregnancy literature and what they don't tell you.
How not to be pregnant:
1. "Eat anything you want!" This seems irresponsible to put in a book that purports to contain medical information. One book actually said since you can't have alcohol, go ahead and have that extra appetizer or dessert. You deserve it! Why does this make any sense? You wouldn't do this ordinarily, so why tempt fate when you're already going to weigh more than you have your whole life. Also, no amount of ice cream or cheesecake can replace a good dirty martini. I know. I've tried.
2. "You'll forget all about it once the baby is born". There is no way that I am ever going to forget throwing up in the middle of pushing or 36 hours of labor. No freaking way.
3. "Maternity clothes are cuter than my own clothes". This one made me throw the "Pregnancy" magazine across the room, cursing vehemently. Who was this woman and where the fuck does she shop?
Stuff they don't tell you
1. What really happens in labor. I suppose that there are so many things that could happen, they'd scare the hell out of anyone contemplating having a baby and the birth rate would plummet. A sampling of what can happen: copious vomitting, fevers, extreme and uncontrollable shuddering, neck spasms, detached cervixes.
2. Get it over with. As soon as humanly possible. I had to be induced because Aidan was past due. If you are in this situation (and I've been told this holds true for labor that comes on naturally) use any means possible to get it over with. All of the classes talk about working through your labor. Why not just get to the good part and push that baby out?
3. What 'uncomfortable' really means. Towards the end of a pregnancy, you are so huge that normal everyday things like going to the bathroom and sleeping become problem solving exercises. Uncomfortable really means that everything becomes a pain in the ass from trying to put on shoes (forget tying shoelaces after the 7th month), getting in and out of a clawfoot tub and even getting close enough to the kitchen counter to chop food. This is why you resort to crying. It's the only thing that isn't hindered by your ginormous belly.
posted by almaruca at
9:49 AM
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