Social Commentary: Starbucks Feeds Dorks

Why do people carry their triple shot ventis around with them as though it is some badge of honor? Just because you ordered an outlandish dollop of caffeine doesn't make you cool, successful or important. I know what you're thinking triple shot macchiato man, bragging about how you haven't had anything to eat today and how you're SO TIRED from the all-nighter you pulled last night. Go ahead: gulp that hot beverage as though you can't feel it scalding the roof of your mouth. Your office crush doesn't really give a shit about the Power Point you've got due in like 2 seconds, but she would prefer it if you'd redirect your skanky coffee breath away from her face so she can hoof it into the elevator without you.

Social Commentary: Scottish-style Slaughter

Did you know that over half the violent deaths in Scotland are due to knife wounds? That's right: meat cleavers and samurai style swords are evidently the weapon of choice in gang warfare. I heard this on NPR as I was driving today and thought it was almost quaint; American gangs would ever take the time to carve someone up properly- here in the US of A it's all about getting the job done as expediently as possible. Inflict maximum damage while maintaining a safe distance- that way, you'll have a headstart as you flee the law. One thing is for sure: a Scottish hood approaches the business of killing far more honorably than an American - it's mano e mano with a reasonable amount of skill involved and I'm willing to bet a quaigh that innocent bystandars are far less susceptible to death or maiming in a knife fight vs. a shootout. Someone should make a documentary about this- I'd watch it for the nearly incomprehensible Scottish street slang that I haven't heard since Trainspotting. That and the samuria swords. Hai-ya!

Secrets and Lies

The actual act of being pregnant didn't bother me too much. Sure, it wasn't fun being a planet those last few weeks, but all in all, I was lucky. What irked me the most were the lies that are perpetuated in pregnancy literature and what they don't tell you.

How not to be pregnant:
1. "Eat anything you want!" This seems irresponsible to put in a book that purports to contain medical information. One book actually said since you can't have alcohol, go ahead and have that extra appetizer or dessert. You deserve it! Why does this make any sense? You wouldn't do this ordinarily, so why tempt fate when you're already going to weigh more than you have your whole life. Also, no amount of ice cream or cheesecake can replace a good dirty martini. I know. I've tried.

2. "You'll forget all about it once the baby is born". There is no way that I am ever going to forget throwing up in the middle of pushing or 36 hours of labor. No freaking way.

3. "Maternity clothes are cuter than my own clothes". This one made me throw the "Pregnancy" magazine across the room, cursing vehemently. Who was this woman and where the fuck does she shop?

Stuff they don't tell you
1. What really happens in labor. I suppose that there are so many things that could happen, they'd scare the hell out of anyone contemplating having a baby and the birth rate would plummet. A sampling of what can happen: copious vomitting, fevers, extreme and uncontrollable shuddering, neck spasms, detached cervixes.

2. Get it over with. As soon as humanly possible. I had to be induced because Aidan was past due. If you are in this situation (and I've been told this holds true for labor that comes on naturally) use any means possible to get it over with. All of the classes talk about working through your labor. Why not just get to the good part and push that baby out?

3. What 'uncomfortable' really means. Towards the end of a pregnancy, you are so huge that normal everyday things like going to the bathroom and sleeping become problem solving exercises. Uncomfortable really means that everything becomes a pain in the ass from trying to put on shoes (forget tying shoelaces after the 7th month), getting in and out of a clawfoot tub and even getting close enough to the kitchen counter to chop food. This is why you resort to crying. It's the only thing that isn't hindered by your ginormous belly.

I wasn't sure how best to start, so I harkened back to 2nd grade where I was told that every good composition needs an introduction. However, having an introduction would mean that I knew what I would be writing about or could at least narrow it down to one subject. Sadly, I find it impossible to name a common motif that will unify the postings. I suppose it could be me relating my adventures as the self-appointed traffic avenger, alternately cooing and cursing my 2 month old, who is currently making his opinions about being left in a crib for a nap very well known (he hates it with the intensity of a thousand suns), getting maudlin about growing up and growing old, my hatred of parents groups... I have a lot of ideas. Whether they're any good remains to be seen.

So the introduction is out of the way, albeit rather unsatisfactorily. To answer any further topline questions, I'll employ another elementary school concept- the 5 Ws. From the top:

The Who: Me, Alison Maruca, who has a Husband named Beveridge (last name -quite a hit with all of my guy friends, the few I have left), a curiously small golden retriever named Maggie and a 2 month old baby boy named Aidan.
The What: a random assortment of thoughts and ideas that may or may not prove to be interesting to other people (See intro for little to no illumination)
The Where: Summertime in San Francisco which is proving to be quite pleasant this year. Must be global warming.
The When: During non-existent naps, when I can wrest the computer away from my husband, when I'm not sleeping
The Why: Because while attempting to entertain a baby appears to be some women's raison d'etre, I am quite bored with it at times.
The How: This is the part that stumps me. What do the professionals do? Do they spend all day composing or is it an off-the-cuff sort of thing. I'm betting it's the former- they just don't want you to think it's the latter. Are blogs meant to be autobiographical or fictional memoirs? Do most people post every day? I tend to function much better in environments with rules and regulations. This is probably why I will never make millions and why motherhood is not a natural state for me.

Wow, the baby stopped screaming. This could mean he's back asleep or he could be holding his breath to punish me for letting him cry it out. We'll find out in an hour. There's no way I'm going in there and risking a premature awakening. If that happens I'll have to pick him up which in turn means I CAN NEVER PUT HIM DOWN.

In conclusion, this is my blog.